While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
2022 will be better than 2021
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
why isn’t he texting back
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”