Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This meal prepping shit is easy

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.