While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
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People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too