While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Ghost costume 😂
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience