Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock