While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
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Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I made up a story for my daughter at bedtime about a friendly elephant. And how he was nice to everyone, even the hyenas who were mean to him. But then I got scared I was teaching her to not stand up for herself, so I ended the story with him killing all the hyenas.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Jail
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond