Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children