Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

congratulations to them

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

i really liked this one

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.