@behindyourback

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

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@aveuaskew

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

@SugarMagicSpice

To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.

@TheBoydP

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

@Marlebean

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

@OFalafel

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

@KayRants

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

@jenstatsky

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

@JasonLastname

I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.