@behindyourback

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

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@kashanacauley

What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.

@CoopSoSarc

Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.

Wife and I laugh hysterically,

Then I die a little inside.

@WrongPandas

[at funeral]

Me: “I’m sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice”

Widow: “please no….

Me: “you have my gondolances”

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

@HenpeckedHal

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

@portmanteauface

[getting carded]

21: awesome bro, I got this

30: seriously? whatever

35: this is really getting old

40: WILL YOU MARRY ME

@ben_watt

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

@sofarrsogud

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

@evilmallelis

those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake