While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

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What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.


Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.

Wife and I laugh hysterically,

Then I die a little inside.


[at funeral]

Me: “I’m sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice”

Widow: “please no….

Me: “you have my gondolances”


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to


I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.


[getting carded]

21: awesome bro, I got this

30: seriously? whatever

35: this is really getting old



Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’


It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.


those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake