While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.