While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
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I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.