Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.