How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.