While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
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Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
When your parents check you’re ok.
Always 🥴
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago