While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
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My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
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“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
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If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.