While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
How I like cutting carbs
X-tra spooky blend
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”