While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home