Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.