Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public