While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
drew a comic about my origin story
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.