While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.