Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

When you “pspspsp” too hard

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels