While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
