While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
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*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.