While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
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7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
cry laughing at this shit
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Yes my dude
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.