Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

my sentiments exactly

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.