While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
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COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.