@RdrJay47
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
@CruisinSoozan
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
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@RdrJay47
@Hey_Sascha
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
@TheBoydP
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
@mooodles
‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.
@UnFitz
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
@dad_on_my_feet
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
@Teowulf
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
@panmidwest
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
@PabloGSerski
I’m never drinking & driving again because the last time, it was a disaster. I lost control and ended up driving to a Robin Thicke concert.
@iamjeffsloan
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.