@CruisinSoozan

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

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@RdrJay47

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

@Hey_Sascha

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

@TheBoydP

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

@mooodles

‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.

@UnFitz

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

@dad_on_my_feet

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

@Teowulf

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

@panmidwest

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

@PabloGSerski

I’m never drinking & driving again because the last time, it was a disaster. I lost control and ended up driving to a Robin Thicke concert.

@iamjeffsloan

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.