While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low