Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job