While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
respect
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun