While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Oh no
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
who’s gonna tell her?
