While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!