Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.