Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect