Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”