While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My patience has stretch marks.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
True
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.