Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

I have so many questions.

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

friend saw this guy on the apps lol