Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses