Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I think I’m gonna be sick

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

awesome draft from months ago i just found

Welcome