[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
This is so me 😂😂
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
