Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later