[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
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which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
blocked.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.