While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
So creative 😂
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister