While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot