While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
sir, my pâté if you please
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy