While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
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In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
The options really are this bad
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.