While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
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Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Breaking news:
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES