Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.