Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin