Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

Terribly Tuesday.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.