Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD