While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Y’all know who you are.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.