While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?