While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
💯😂
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
That’s it.I’m out.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around