While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.