Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.