*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.