Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer