Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment