Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

We need to put an American base on the sun

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

#Caturday

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.