While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
fixed it
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
This is my brand.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room