While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
You Might Also Like
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.