Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.