While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
You Might Also Like
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me