While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
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There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
You can’t outrun your problems…
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.