Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?