Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.