While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
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It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
kitchen magnet
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.