While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
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Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*