While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes